Infidelity is the elephant in the room that has existed since the dawn of time. Though what constitutes infidelity is much different today than it was in times gone by. This is because the nature of marriage itself has changed. Today, infidelity takes a far greater pyschological toll because it is at its core about a deeper betrayal still. Whereas infidelity was purely about threatening our economic security infidelity threatens also our emotional security too. Whereas having an affair was seen as something people once sought out to experience pure love and now that we are free to choose a marriage based on love, adultery destroys it.

Love marriages today are about finding your ideal partner in life: "your person". We expect that person we marry fulfills a list of needs: as our lover, our best friend, our truest confidant, our emotional companion and intellectual equal, our partner who we chose to be at our side as we realize our life dreams. When infidelity occurs it tells you suddenly you're not which makes infidelity the ultimate experience of betrayal.

Infidelity's impact is traumatic far more today because it threatens our very sense of trusting who we are, who they were, we were and in this way triggers a crisis of identity where we not only ask ourselves can I trust you ever again, it begs the bigger question can I trust anyone again, and the biggest question still can I trust the part of me that loved them ever again? This might seem dramatic but infidelity violates trust in a way that throws everything you knew about yourself in the air.

When our idea of modern marriage changed so did its nemesis "infidelity". While "infidelity" and "cheating" are often used interchangeably, infidelity is a broader term of unfaithfulness encompassing a betrayal of trust in a committed relationship. Infidelity includes economic or emotional, financial, or today also cyber infidelity, while cheating typically refers to physical or sexual acts outside the relationship. 

Our expectations and more importantly our sense of entitlement too has changed around marriage. People used to divorce because they were unhappy. Today, we divorce because we believe we could be happier. When it used to be that divorce carried all the shame, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. Why stay when being faithful is interpreted in a context of not necessarily being monogamous any more with one person rather where you're considered faithful as a serial monogamist.

Today a perfect marriage will still not innoculate you against the wanderlust of infidelity. Why is that? It's because infidelity is about something else underneath that is happening. That something has more to do with longing and loss of "unloved" selves that were important to us to express and that we believe we can recapture in some way through infidelity.

Affairs are less about sex and more about desire: a desire for attention, to feel special, to feel important and as contradictory as it sounds (and is) about respect. Respect comes from the Latin work: respiscere - to look back at, to look in regard at/admire. High fidelity is a term we think of as sound reproduction - the higher the fidelity the truer you are to the original source of the sound. Infidelity comes from the Latin word infidelitas meaning not faithful. The desire ironically underneath infidelity is a search to find yourself in some way again, to be able to look in the mirror and admire who you see. Only we look to others to provide this. Ironically, infidelity reveals codependency in believing others are there to fulfill the love you cannot see for yourself.

Can a marriage be rebuilt after infidelity? The answer is no. Your first marriage is over. Can a new one with the same person be created? Yes, but infidelity changes everything, It's possible to create a new marriage but only if the person who was unfaithful holds themselves accountable and the deeper questions that lie underneath are confronted.

Regardless of what happens, healing only begins when the person actually responsible for the infidelity holds themselves accountable for their behavior.

For the one that was faithful, it too is a time for self-examination, and exploration in getting focused on who they are now, what new commitments they want to make to themselves moving forward.

It is important too that while you may have been the one betrayed in the affair, you may not always be the one solely betrayed in the marriage. All of these layers need unpacking in order to heal and move forward.

It is important that each partner if they are committed to their own growth regardless of outcome recognize that every affair will redefine a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the infidelity will be.

For support in navigating life after infidelity, schedule a complimentary introductory session to learn more.